Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Well, here we go...

I am nervous to actually write my thoughts on this little blog. The main reason is that I do not think that I am a very good writer/ have anything interesting to say. I guess that is really 2 reasons... sorry.  Today is a new day though because I am overwhelmed, tired, confused, and broken.  I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. I know that it is a combination of April senior year, campaign season and just life in general.  So yesterday, I made a bold decision... I decided to step back, de-complicate my life, and REST.  I am not talking about just sleeping, I am resting in the Lord.  I am finding answers and I am listening.  I have not just listened in  a long time.  I would describe myself as a 'go getter', I like to stay busy/involved/overcommitted.  I am not good at sitting still.  Example in point, if anyone in my house needs a companion for any sort of activity, they ask me. They know I will go with them 98% of the time.  I love my friends, I love to be busy.  I do not love to be still.  

I have quote on quote been still for about 24 hours, I am going a little crazy.  I am continually praying for this process to last.  I am searching for purpose, answers, and mainly TRUTH.  I have finally faced the reality that I am not God.  I do not get to choose my path, I do not get to choose the people that come in and out of my life.  I do not get to choose who to be friends with and who to love.  I am not God.  Luckily, I do believe.  I have found immense comfort in this fact.  I know that I will be okay.  The lies that I have been telling myself will unfold and truth will in the end reveal itself.  I know that I was not happy.  When you are happy, things should be natural and easy.  They should not be forced, you should be content and comforted.  I was always on edge, nervous and even borderline crazy.  I was not gentle or calm.  I was paranoid... which led to being moody and lower than low a lot of the time.  

I cannot give anymore.  I need refreshing and rejuvenation.  I need to analyze and find my purpose.  I am a listener, comforter, and encourager by nature... I now know that I cannot always be those things.  I cannot fix the world's problems.  I can not bear others burdens.  I need a listener as well.  I need an encourager.  I know where to begin.  Today, I just sat and sat as I tried to figure out where to begin...

I found myself in 1 John 4:7-11

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

[and this just made me smile today.]

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